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Spoken like a true alcoholic. Maybe with a little practice… I would love to just up and judge myself a complete asshole for lacking the gumption to yell and scream and cause a scene, for lacking the ability to show up at her house every day and sit with her, talk to her, until she got disgusted enough with herself to quit on her own. It is, I think, too bad that life does not follow the same logic as the stories I write. If it were a story I had been thinking of, I would not have had such a dearth of strength. This year has been the most difficult yet, and I am left weak. If I go to hell for anything, it will be that. Perhaps one day, I will be a good enough person to destroy myself for another. But on the porch, with a beer in my hand I wasn’t that cool. The argument I use to console myself is that if I cannot be strong enough for myself, how can I be strong enough for someone else? The thought pattern strikes me as something very much like bullshit. It’s in our makeup to preserve. We were a bunch of young, hard charging, aggressive, studs with egos so big that we each thought we were the best damn fighter pilot in the world. You had to be that way in our business. We had a saying: In the fighter business winning is the only thing; second place is dead. If you didn't believe in your self and have supreme confidence in your ability to win a fight to the death in the air, then you would probably end up dead in the end anyway.We flew hard, partied hard, drank hard, and chased women hard, (but never around our home base; I mean we may have been blinded by our super egos at times, but we weren't stupid. The rule was, 'Never chase cunt around your own flag pole'.)Our wives were all beautiful, sexy women, but Lydia was in a class by herself, a goddess queen among princesses. There was something about being a fighter pilot that just attracted beautiful women. I never saw a fighter pilot's wife that didn't turn me on enough to make me lust after her body secretly.
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